Changing Rooms, Changing Lives, Creating Princesses

So, it was at work yesterday whilst I was putting the finishing touches to a kitchen that I was painting and listening to the mighty Ken Bruce on Radio 2 (my Popmaster score yesterday: 18, but didn't manage the 3 in 10) that I was reminded of a time that I had previously indulged in a spot of painting and decorating, albeit in rather different circumstances.

I could give you a long explanation right now, but I think the videos posted below pretty much tell you all that you need to know (and watching them will take you long enough anyway). All I feel I need to do in advance is to warn you about the appearance of 'Hand Shandy Andy'. All I can say is that sometimes when you are channelling the spirit of Stanislavski, you enter a space from which the results are so unpredictable and pure that you become a mere vessel for character that you inhabit; the actions of whom are beyond the realms of your control. Now that we have established that; sit back, relax and waste a Friday afternoon at work with what follows...

Stalky Stalky 2.0

So inevitably it has been a quite a while since I last bothered to write a blog. After an initial mild rash of pointless self indulgence, my love for procrastination and avoiding doing anything productive took over and the posts stopped.

However, whilst having a drink with a mate the other day the muse once again hit me between the eyes. Hence from this point forward I vow to be a changed man and to approach this blogging lark with a renewed vigour and dedication that it deserves; so in reality expect about 3 more blogs of mediocre worthless waffle before I once again find something else to waste my time doing. I can only hope that whilst these good intentions last, that these rambling essays help to pass your time at work whilst you are pretending to be doing something worthwhile and productive.

So, now to the subject that relit my creative fire during that Sunday afternoon drink. Stalking.

Stalking has evolved. Back in the good old days of stalking, proper effort and sharp dressing was required. In that halcyon era the stalker - crouching in an overgrown shrub, attired in a trenchcoat with binoculars in hand - would wait for hours at a time, just hoping for the merest glimpse of the object of their dubious desires. Back then the stalker would be content with a fleeting peep of the stalkee in the kitchen over a hot roasting pot, or if they were unbelievably lucky then they might spy the stalking Holy Grail; the negligeed silhouette behind the net-curtained bedroom window. Stalking required dedication, the investment of time, damp feet, and all this for potentially a very slender payoff.

But times have changed. The internet has acted as a catalyst for a revolution in the once niche field of stalking. I like to call it the ‘Social Networking Stalking Paradigm Shift’. Before the spread of the World Wide Web, stalking was the preserve of the dedicated professional few. An elite band of social misfits, who had dubious interpersonal skills, dubious personal hygiene and owned an unhealthy amount of Cliff Richard or Placebo albums. However, the advent social networking has flung the door to the stalking party wide open for any amateur to crash. Stalking has been democratised. It might be dangerous to draw comparisons, but as Afghanistan illustrates to us all, democratisation is not always for the best. It is this issue that this blog will attempt to explore. Has this paradigm shift been beneficial for stalking, or like Afghanistan, has it been flushed down the Karzai?

Stalking is an extremely complex and nuanced issue and as such a full discussion is beyond the constraints of this blog. Therefore, for ease of discussion I will reduce the issues surrounding stalking to two main aspects; ‘scouting stalking’ or ‘surveillance stalking’.

Let's start with the latter as it is the simpler of the two to explore. Private detectives must be ruing the day that social networking was invented. Through Facebook the amateur detective has the perfect platform for keeping tabs on the activities of a partner that they suspect to be playing away. All that is required is a simple wall browse and the question; “Who is that girl posting on your wall saying that she really enjoyed meeting you last night? You had sex with her didn’t you!” For the ultra paranoid, the best method of detection is to discover the partner’s password and to then perform a little check of their private inbox. At this point I think that it is best to advise, if you do chose to arrange your dalliances through Facebook and you wish for your infidelities to remain secret, a good motto I have just coined would be, 'If you want to cheat, delete'.

Although the paradigm shift has been significant in the field of ‘surveillance stalking’, the biggest shift has occurred in the field of ‘scouting stalking’.

I do not believe that there is anyone reading this who has never met someone new on a night out and has not gone home and looked them up on Facebook. The routine goes something a bit like this:

You meet someone on a night out, you fail to get or didn’t have the courage to ask for their number. However, you did make sure that you casually asked in conversation for their surname or confirmed that the two of you had a mutual friend. So, either that night when you get home or the next day, you check Facebook and establish that they are single, hoping that if they are actually ‘in a relationship’ that they have had the decency to amend or remove their relationship status and not just kept it listed as ‘single’. You decide to add them in two days time, just to make sure that you don’t look too keen. Now is time to start your 'stalking' or 'research'; depending on how you decide to semantically justify it to yourself.

Today's stalker as opposed to yesterday's stalker (from now on we'll refer to them as ‘Stalker 1.0’ and ‘Stalker 2.0’) has a wealth of information that was never previously available. Everything from what music they are into, their likes, dislikes, to even whether they decide to waste their lives playing pointless online games called things like ‘Mafia Wars’. All this information is at the end of a quick Facebook search. Plus if we throw Twitter into the mix, the aspiring stalker can discover what the object of their affections had for dinner, whether they are a fan of Stephen Fry and probably the last time they experienced a significant bowel movement. This is all very handy information for next time you happen to accidentally bump into them, which of course is 100% orchestrated as you knew exactly where they would be, as you had been following their Facebook Wall all week as they had been arranging that night with their mates.

Nonetheless, the real breakthrough for Stalker 2.0 is the visual stimulation aspect that social network stalking allows. Gone are the cold nights in privet hedges, waiting for a nanosecond of titillation at a distance of 50 metres through a frosted bathroom window. By becoming friends with their stalkee, Stalker 2.0 is delivered photos of the stalkee’s summer holiday to Magaluf - complete with sexy beach shots, and if they are really lucky, the post-club practically naked/comatose hugging the toilet bowl ‘vom shot’ - straight to their news feed. No delving is even necessary. It all seems just too easy. Furthermore, this is all available to 'enjoy' as your wish from the privacy and safety of your bedroom. For Stalker 2.0 the trench coat is only optional extra, there merely to add a bit of variety and old-school spice to their ‘private time’.

Personally, and this may seem hard to believe after I have rambled on about this for so long, but I don't think that this Stalking 2.0 lark is for me. I've seen it with friends of mine, the constant online surveillance of a potential target seems to only fuel already overactive imaginations. Every reference to a party the previous night by a member of the opposite sex becomes the mental confirmation of a definite sexual encounter which almost certainly never occurred between the stalkee and their wall poster. You check in for a nice stay in paranoia town. I reckon if you want to find out what they have been up to, then just give them a ring.

But this attitude seems increasingly old hat. I think that I may be increasingly analogue in a digital age of stalking, and it is this that brings me back to my initial inspiration for this self-indulgence I attempt to call a blog. It was whilst out for a quiet drink that my mate introduced me to a whole new level of Stalking 2.0 which had never previously come across my radar.

Whilst in pursuit of a girl that he was particularly fond of, he had taken to following the activity of the girl in question on Last.fm. As a tool to discover what music she was into this didn’t seem to pose a massive development in stalking technique. However, when it was then revealed that he used the site to examine not only each song that they had listened to but to examine this in relation to the time of the day that it was listened to and how this fitted within the time frame of their last conversation, it seemed to attain more stalking significance. Assumptions about these song choices were then extrapolated and conclusions drawn as to her state of mind and her feelings towards him. This was all topped off with a psychoanalysis of the lyrical content of each song to examine for any potential correlation with the current situation in their relationship. Stalking genius! Maybe the early beginnings of Stalking 3.0? All I really hope is that she was listening to Lily Allen's, 'It's Not Fair'; her rallying cry against the frustrations of premature ejaculation,. Just think of the fear that would induce in an already paranoid mind.

So, just think, there could be someone stalking you right now, perusing your Facebook, Twitter, Last.fm. That might freak you out, it might turn you on, but if you haven't as yet dabbled in any Stalking 2.0, try it. You might just find you quite enjoy it. As for my thoughts…if you look out your window right now, you see that rattling in your bushes? That’s probably me. I’m going to stick to version 1.0 for now. I like the mystery. Plus, I've also invested too much cash in this beautiful pair of Eschenbach Farlux Selector V 8 binoculars not to get any use out of them.

I Think We’re Alone Now

A certain topic has continued to crop in conversations with mates over the past few days, so I feel that it is probably worth a quick blog.

Picture the scene, you have been out, had a bit of a drink and a dance and you have been fortunate enough leave the bar with someone; fun times are potentially on the cards. At this point there are so many things racing through your mind. Do you go back to their house or yours? Did you remember to replenish your durex stockpile in your wallet before you went out? Do you even remember their name, because she is bound to pick the most inappropriate moment later to ask whether you remember it? But whilst all this is racing through your head, you are having to think about the most important decision that you can make all night…In the event of ending up back at your place, what music are you going to play?

Over, the past few days I have come across a rather eclectic mix of music that people I know like to listen to whilst they do the dirty. It seemed to be a general consensus that the time-honoured standard of spinning a bit of Marvin Gaye may be a bit passé these days. However, I think that there may have been a problem with my research in the field, as all these discussions seemed to be between male friends of mine. So, when I canvassed the opinion of my female housemate last night, without hesitation she went straight in with a bit of ‘Sexual Healing’! Boys, ladies obviously love Marv!

Maybe it’s time to reassess my tactics, as I was thinking that if I was lucky enough to tempt a lucky young lady back to my lair that I would love to whack on a bit of Celine Dion, ‘My Heart Will Go On’. Just imagine the look on her poor face. Firstly she is starting to sober up, in the process realising that she has had the misfortune of ending up with me, but she is also discovering that I was going to try it on with her whilst imagining that I was in Titanic. If she did not leave immediately at this moment, I would be slightly worried for her standards/sanity.

Another option that was put forward by a friend was to play anything by Boards of Canada. Just imagine the kind of sex that is going to be – it would probably be followed by some Belle and Sebastian and then a little post-coital cry! Another friend ventured ‘Danger Zone’ by Kenny Loggins; yes, it is that tune of Top Gun! Is this friend tying to tell me something about his sexuality? This same friend that text me this morning telling me that he was wearing a cowboy hat at work.

Therefore, I think what started out as a rather standard conversation about what’s the best music to get busy to, has ended up revealing something much deeper. It has revealed the very essence of an individual’s true identity! So, whilst you are sitting there just try and think of your top five sexy desert island discs and then try and think what is says about you. Don’t worry, it can’t be as bad as what Celine say about me!

p.s. If you are stuck for inspiration of what to play, you should try a bit of Led Zeppelin II – if you are lucky/drunk enough to still be going by track 5, ‘Heartbreaker’, you’ll be sure to have some fun.

Nickelback, Crack and Sack

In a global economic depression of almost unparalleled magnitude, with the peace process once again shattered in Northern Ireland, U2 releasing a new album and my continuing unemployment, you would think that my life would be a pretty bleak. However, you would be wrong, because yesterday I experienced one of those few joys in life which have the ability to transcend the most desperate of circumstances. It was the moment when you finally hear the new Nickelback tune played on the radio for the first time! At this point you may be thinking that I am being facetious, and yes, to an extent you would be right. However, the moment yesterday when this tune came on the radio I was happiest I felt all day. You cannot help but smile and feel warm inside when you hear what the mighty Nickelback have to offer you for your aural pleasure. And do not worry…it certainly does not disappoint. The mighty Kroeger and the boys have managed to pull it out of the bag once again! All you really need to know at the moment is that the track is called…wait for it…‘I’d Come For You’.

I’ll return to the aforementioned track in a few moments, however, before I do so I will just fill you in on a few Nickelback facts just in case they have temporarily slipped your mind. As you will probably know, Nickelback shot to fame in 2001 with their ubiquishit smash hit, ‘How You Remind Me’. From that point on, front man Chad Kroeger who became famous for his distinctive, constipated post-grunge lumberjack taking a massive turd vocal style, shot to fame as the voice of the alienated and bored youth in the Noughties. In many parts he has even been hailed as the ‘Kurt Cobain of the 21st Century. Yet, at this point I you like to suggest that it is unfair that The Chad should exist in Kurt’s miserable shadow. Don’t get me wrong, I think Nirvana were a decent band; they had a few good tunes and a decent drummer. But was Kurt really one of the greatest musicians of all time? If he really was the voice of a generation he would have actually be able to write his own suicide note, rather than plagiarising the words of Neil Young (the real godfather of grunge).

So, let’s just have a quick ‘Grunge Authenticity Battle Royale’ between Chad and Kurt:

Chad: Chad who was born in Hanna, Alberta was born into serious poverty, even growing up without any indoor plumbing.

Cobain: At the age of eight, Kurt’s parents divorced, an event which he later cited as having a profound impact on his life.

And the winner is…Kroeger by pinfall – just get over it Cobain, Kroeger didn’t even have wash until the age of 15, and you cannot get more grunge than that!

However, the point of this blog (like the blog even has a point!) is not to go on anti-Kurt rant. It is instead intended to be a celebration of genius of Kroeger and to unashamedly suggest, and I am going to say this in reverential hushed tones now; that now, in 2009, after selling 30 million records worldwide it is time start considering Chad Kroeger in the same sonic and lyrical visionary bracket as the likes of Hendrix, Walker and even Dylan.

Once again, I suspect that you may be slightly dubious about this claim, which is fair enough, but please let me set out my thesis.

There is no denying the catch pop-grunge hooks of Nickelback’s tunes, therefore, if I am only going to convince you of their likeability but also of their true pioneering worth we need to go deeper into the imagery and the meaning of these songs; we need to carefully examine Krueger’s lyrics. Initially I think we should return to their new single, ‘I’d Come For You’, the song which sparked off this whole debate in the first place. In this song the long haired Canadian states,

“By now you'd know that I'd come for you
No one but you, yes I'd come for you
But only if you told me to
And I'd fight for you
I'd lie, it's true
Give my life for you
You know I'd always come for you”.

Yes, I realise that this does sound like Chad has tried to spice-up Brian Adam’s ‘Everything I do I do It For You’ with a bit of spunk! I hope that an image of Kevin Costner is not only in my head right now. However, although on first inspection it may not seem so, this is Chad at his most sensitive. ‘Yes I'd come for you, But only if you told me to’; the man has obviously never suffered from premature ejaculation, however, more seriously it illustrates a mutuality and complicity in his relationships with women. Kroeger continues this sexual motif elsewhere, subtly exploring his deep and complex attitude towards women and no where does he do it more sensitively than on ‘S.E.X’, taken from the band’s 2008, ‘Dark Horse’ album:

‘"No" is a dirty word,
Never gonna say it first,
"No" is just a thought that never crosses my mind’.

Reading this you may think that Kroeger is demonstrating typical markers of hegemonic masculinity and chauvinism, which were exactly what Second Generation feminists where fighting to eradicate. However, I think this would be a too simplistic interpretation. If you look deeper, it is dry and satirical response to Freidan’s ‘problem with no name’. He arguing pro-Greer, calling for equality in orgasms and for women not only to claim and but to revel in their own sexuality:

‘I'm loving what you wanna wear,
I wonder what's up under there?
Wonder if I'll ever have it under my tongue?
I'll love to try to set you free,
I love you all over me.
Love hearin' the sound you make the second you're done’.

This is again evident on their 2008 hit single, ‘Something In Your Mouth’:

You’re ripping up the dance floor honey,
You shake your ass around for everyone,
I love the way you dance with anybody,
And tease them all by sucking on your thumb,
Your so much cooler when you never pull it out,
Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth’.

Kroeger uses the image of women having something in their mouth as a metaphor for their historical oppression and how masculine society has kept women gagged in the public sphere; consigning them to a life of domesticity and a sole purpose in life of pro-creation and acquiescing to the male need for pleasure. I think that this belief is best illustrated in the track ‘Animals’, which states,

‘But I got both hands on the wheel while you got both hands on my gears,
By now, no doubt that we were heading south,
I guess nobody ever taught her not to speak with a full mouth,
'Cause this was it, like flicking on a switch,
It felt so good I almost drove into the ditch,
I'm screamin'’.

Here Kroeger is screaming both metaphorically and physically. Metaphorically it expresses oppression of the female and their battle for the right to exist equally with men. This is juxtaposed against the deeply physical celebration and the joy that women can bring to a man as they give you a blow job as you drive down the highway in a sports car.

However, despite the acute self-awareness Kroeger displays in his lyrics and his nuanced understanding of sexual politics, his dry humour can often be too much for some critics who interpret his words as blatant misogyny. Subject of much debate has been the lyrics of ‘Next Go round’, in which Kroeger laments:

‘I wanna go until the neighbours all complain,
Cause they heard somebody screaming and they think we're both in pain,
I wanna go so long your parents think you died,
There gonna call the cops the CIA and then the FBI,

Learn the hard way,

And I love your lack of self-respect,
While you passed out on the deck,
I love my hands around your neck’.

On the surface this does appear to be an affirmation, even a celebration of the ultimate sense of power that men have over women; that of life and death. However, I think that Kroeger manages and the transcend Dworkinian criticism, by celebrating the spirituality of love-making, reminding us that sex has both the power to spiritually affirm life and literally bring life into this world. Whilst simultaneously reminding us not only of the pain and damage that it can cause in human relationships, but also the physical pain that women bear in childbirth. Through Kroeger’s words sex becomes a vehicle delivering the individual to a type of outer-body experience, which in the female can leave her momentarily ‘passed out’ in an almost meditative state.

Although a definitive exploration of the value Nickelback’s contribution to philosophy and specifically sexual politics would demand a full examination of their entire back catalogue, I believe that this blog has highlighted many of the key issues that arise from Nickelback’s lyrics. I hope that I have managed to quash many of the fallacies that surround this much maligned band, in the process elevating Chad Kroeger to a higher echelon within the artistic community. Kurt, I don’t I don’t see ‘Radio Friendly Unit Shifter’ being covered on DFS adverts! Only time will tell whose cultural contribution will stand-up against to decades criticism and the fickle nature of popular music. But I know my money is on the man with the man with the long hair and the whiny voice.

On reflection I feel that my own words can no longer stand up against those of genius of Chad Kroeger, therefore I feel that it only appropriate to give the concluding words to the great man himself:

‘I wanna cover you with jello in the tub,
We can roll around for hours without ever coming up,
I want you naked with your favourite heels on,
Slap John Deere across my ass and ride me up and down the lawn’.

Dirty Leeds

I realise that yesterday I said I had decided to write a blog because it was handy way to alleviate job seekers boredom and prevent developing gentleman's wrist (it's the unemployed version of tennis elbow). However, when I was looking for more things to fill my day, one of those things was not spending over an hour trying to book a train to Leeds! Right, I'm sure that Leeds is very nice (my housemate who is from there assures me that it is the centre of the entire universe). Plus, any City that boasts Tony Yeboah as a local hero and was the location of Countdown in the Whitley years cannot be without merit. But, during my hour long battle with the national rail website I soon realised that all this promise was too good to be true as the cost of me making my Leeds come to life was revealed to be…£55. This was for the cheapest return, with a railcard! It only takes just over 2 hours to get there and what makes it worse is that I only need to be there for half an hour!

So, this got me thinking. If the value of a trip to Leeds is £55, where else could I explore for the same money? Firstly however, this little experiment would seem meaningless if I didn’t give it a context by establishing what Leeds has to offer me for my £55.

Leeds: An Overview

• In the 1980s, the Conservative government designated Urban Development Corporation status on a number of areas of UK cities: some declining areas were taken out of local authority control and government funding was provided with the aim of speeding up and concentrating private sector investment in the most run-down areas. Leeds Development Corporation ran from 1988–1995 and helped to focus attention on two decayed industrial areas, the lower Kirkstall Valley and the riverside area to the south east of the city centre.
• Kirkgate Market in Leeds is where Michael Marks first opened his Penny Bazaar (1884) which was to lead, ultimately, to the foundation of Marks & Spencer, in 1890.
• However, my new favourite Leeds fact is that natives of Leeds are known as 'Loiners', which I think is great - I'd love to be a loiner - sounds much better than being a Norfolkian! Maybe Norfolk natives could become 'Inbreedians'…catchy and accurate.

This all sounds like a pretty nice return for my £55 investment. However, this optimism was short lived as I quickly did some research and realised that I could go Venice for £20 return! Nevertheless, lets not be hasty and jump to knee-jerk, ill-informed conclusions. So, let’s just have a quick look at what Venice is going to bring to the table for my £20.

Venice: An Overview

• From the ninth to the twelfth century Venice developed into a city state. Its strategic position at the head of the Adriatic made Venetian naval and commercial power almost invulnerable.
• Venice became an imperial power following the Fourth Crusade, which seized Constantinople in 1204 and established the Latin Empire; Venice itself carved out a sphere of influence known as the Duchy of the Archipelago
• Venice is also known as “La Serenissima” (the most serenely beautiful one) and “Queen of the Adriatic”.
• Venice has no sewer system; household waste flows into the canals and is washed out into the ocean twice a day with the tides. Which incidentally sounds a lot like Leeds; just Leeds doesn’t have the ocean and canals to wash it away.
• And my new favourite Venice fact: There are less than 20 plumbers in the city of Venice. Amazing!

So, I think that you will agree that this little experiment is a close call. But I think that I will have to conclude by deciding that Venice may just edge it over Leeds - but only because for the £35 that I have saved by not going to Leeds, I could also have a nice trip to Dublin too – with £15 left over to buy some postcards and a leprechaun whilst I am over there!

In conclusion, I think the outcome of all this is that, I just hope that next time I get invited to a meeting that it is in Venice; I’ll save a fortune – there is a credit crunch on after all!

In the beginning...

Alright there

So, after months of telling friends that I am going to start a blog I thought that I should probably stop boring them about it and actually do it. However, in reality I think that the more likely reason for finally starting this is that my current lack of employment means that I need something to do with my days between, jeremy kyle and neighbours - hopefully it will keep me out of trouble and away from the perennial jobseekers procrastabation exercise of looking at pretty naked ladies on the internet.

So, if you decide to bother with wasting any of your time by actually reading this, you can expect the self indulgent observations of a single 23 male who has too much time on his hands and not enough things to fill his days with. Think Adrian Mole getting it on with Anne Frank somewhere in the blogosphere. Plus, if you are lucky and I run out of things to write about I might even start serialising my other current 'creative project'; my erotic novella.

...and if anyone has a job that they would like to give me I would be very grateful. But I will draw the line at filling the vacant drum stool in razorlight - there may be a credit crunch on but every man should be allowed to keep his dignity...

Peace and Love

On today's unemployment playlist: Kurran and the Wolfnotes
Most interesting news story: Jade Goody and a hammer wielding maniac
Thing that makes me happiest: Neil Young being confirmed for Glastonbury